Voices and Delusions: Inside my Life with Schizophrenia
I was first diagnosed in the U.S. Army. My symptoms really came out after a hazing incident in which I was duct taped in the fetal position.
The Washington Post
January 11, 2025
Guest column by Jason Jepson
We were going to our favorite Mexican restaurant in town. Even though I take my medication and have a healthy lifestyle, I know in a public place I am going to hear voices and have delusions. That is because I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. On this occasion, I was there for good company with my family and to enjoy wonderful food.
It was a busy Friday night. My dad dropped me off at the door with my mom and aunt so he could park the car. Entering the restaurant, I noticed two elderly gentlemen. One of them was on his phone.
At 44, I like to think I’m aging gracefully with schizophrenia. I know not to react to a feeling I cannot explain. As the two men entered the restaurant, I thought the one with the phone was talking to an enemy of my past. It felt like he was getting instructions about how to sabotage my meal. These irrational thoughts are not only typical for me, but I have learned that it is textbook schizophrenia. I sat down, believing that someone in the kitchen would deliberately tamper with my meal. Luckily, I did not react to those thoughts.
As we were being seated, I heard a voice saying, “You want to know why he is gay? He does not want a woman in his life.” I often hear voices saying or hinting that I am gay. I do not see it as an insult, I just see it as untrue.
As the server took our drink order, I felt like she was staring hard at me. I felt as if my face was changing shape, and she was staring at me because she was seeing the changes. I did my best to be present in the moment, and not be swept up by what was not true.
The server left, and I heard her voice saying. “I am not in love with him.”
I constantly hear voices. Sometimes I believe that an ex-girlfriend of mine is near by, and she thinks that women fall in love with me at the drop of hat. In reality, I know that my ex-girlfriend of many years ago has gone on with her life, as have I. I know my mind is playing a trick on me, but I struggle with this delusion.
I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia in the U.S. Army in 2004. I did not serve very long. In fact, I often joke Elvis Presley was in longer than me.
I did my training at Fort Knox, Kentucky, and then my first and only duty station was at Fort Irwin, California, in the Mojave Desert, where I drove tanks. The other soldiers and I thought of ourselves as glorified taxi drivers.
The desert was uninviting. I was struggling internally, and I didn’t fit in. I began acting out because of my severe undiagnosed mental illness, and I was seen as a bad soldier. My superiors didn’t know what to do with me, so they hazed me. My symptoms really came out after an incident in which I was duct taped in the fetal position. I couldn’t move. I thought that was the end for me and my parents would never know what really happened. After that I started having delusions.
Once I was diagnosed, my service ended with an honorable discharge.
Today, the voices come even if I am in comfortable surroundings. During social situations I do my best to stay grounded by focusing on the people and enjoyable conversations at the table.
People-watching can be helpful, but schizophrenia can muck that up too. My paranoia can make me feel as if people are talking negatively about me. Sometimes I think men believe I am going to steal their women and they want to fight me. At times I cope by looking at my phone because it helps me focus on reality instead of what my mind is making up. On this night, I felt safe with three of my favorite family members, which helped me handle my delusions.
As we leave the restaurant, three police officers dressed in flack vests entered with smiles on their faces. For an instant, I thought they were there to take me away. Then my dad said, “They are here for dinner.” This simple phrase brought me back to the reality of the moment. I slightly chuckled. Police need to eat too.
The company and the meal had been fantastic. Not only would I go back to this restaurant again, but I would order my chicken and steak quesadilla again. It is hard to go places alone, but when I have family or friends along to help with my distractions, I can enjoy eating out.
Most of the time my schizophrenia acts as an annoying fly fluttering around in my face. In my own apartment (paid for by the VA), listening to music and watching TV helps me. Writing and exercising help too. I also volunteer a few hours a week at a Goodwill, and I clean my apartment on Thursdays. Sometimes I watch church services on YouTube because I am a man of faith. Schizophrenia has not stopped me from having a good life and loving relationships. I have worked very hard at this, and I am proof that recovery is possible.
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